I have been accused of Lacking Empathy. It has come from every direction: work, personal, Internet, Real Time. It surprises me, because I don’t feel that I have been successful in hiding my Illness at all. In fact I firmly believe my Illness has cost me several jobs over the past 10 years. It has certainly been the subject of Office Gossip and Personal Rumors.
I realize that not everyone who surfs Facebook or Google Plus have ever run across my Story. While Endometriosis is the main story, I have remained silent about my PTSD diagnosis as the “label” just grates on me. The social stigma assigned to Veterans with PTSD is a heavy one.
While I embrace the Mentally Imbalanced to a Spectacular Degree label on line and with my Friends, I realize not everyone understands where it came from (in pop culture) or how I came to start using to describe myself. It is directly related to the 2004 Pulmonary Endometriosis diagnosis and the resulting Surgery.
The PTSD, on the other hand, is directly related to the Lacking in Empathy label, and the result is the negation of my Lived Experience. By remaining silent, being the bigger person and ignoring the Rumors and letting it go, I have assisted in perpetrating the Lies which negated the severity of Endometriosis.
For 26 years I have remained silent, providing extreme Empathy and Grace which allowed one Man the luxury of Career, Family, and Reputation. I don’t know how much more Empathetic a person could be. Is it not Empathetic to forego Medical Treatment in the name of Empathy? Did I not let it go? And yet the negative Gossip and Rumors persist year over year, Employer after Employer, Friend over Friend.
For 23 years, I have remained silent, continually carrying the Label of Drug Addict, required of my family as the balm to their abuse, both inflicted and received. I am not sure how much more Empathetic a person could be, allowing their Reputation to be permanently tarnished. Giving a man the Gift of Success,picking up his burden so he could take on the image of Responsible Husband, was not good enough.
I realize now, that these things, the Labels, have taken form, become Real and Fact simply because the Labels have been repeated so many times by so many people. The financial, emotional, and medical Toll this has taken on my Life is no longer worth the cost. Besides which, the main reason I have been silent is because of my mother. She is gone now, and there is no one left to protect, or to carry the lies for.
In 2007, I discovered the Labels took their first real Physical Form in the Real World. They had become Fact. The Label of “Bad Papers” had grown sufficiently large enough to cross into my Corporate Career.
The absolute Fury that erupted in me over the knowledge that my Military Medical Records were known by MGM Mirage Personnel sent me on a Path that would result in the destruction of an entire Family two years later.
I had requested my Medical Records from my Active Duty Station in 1991, 1994, 1999 and 2004. Each and every time I was informed that I was not a Veteran. The accusation that I was holding a Forged DD-214 by my Employer, only cemented what the Veterans Affairs and Department of Defense had been telling me for years. Once again I was faced with “Bad Papers” despite the OPMC Seal on the document and a perfectly Honorable Discharge. However, my Service Record was not available to anyone, nor were my Medical Records.
Two years later, in 2009, I discovered the Lies of my Family had taken on Form and Function to send one Man to investigate which Drugs I was a Junkie for, and just how crazy I really am. It was 2009 when the accusation of being a Heroin Junkie first Manifested in my Personal Life. My silence over the PTSD Diagnosis while on Active Duty crossed into both my Professional and Personal Life. The conjunction of the Lifelong Lies had come to roost in Las Vegas. From the Corrupt Veterans Affairs, to the Corporate Human Resources & Recruiting Rumors & Gossip, all converged to affect my Financial and Emotional Health, and not a single bit of it was True. I had “Let Go” of the accusations and lies. I “Let Go” of the Privacy Breach.
It took leaving Los Angeles County, and applying for VA Benefits in 2013, three years after the Affordable Care Act (Obamacare) became Legal, before I was deemed a Veteran, validated with a Compensation Rating. It took another 2 years before I could secure Health Benefits because the Rumors & Gossip persisted. The “Bad Papers” somehow translated to Service Connected Compensation, but no Health Benefits. The Rumors and Lies were so bad, that VA Personnel were literally ignoring the Data displayed on their Screens. I literally had to BE IN PHYSICAL POSSESSION of my Rating Letter before the VA Personnel AT ALL LEVELS: Regional, State and Federal, would acknowledge I was a Rated Veteran.
I have decided to cancel my Empathy for the 2 men mentioned above. I certainly have nothing to lose except a Lifetime of Libel and Defamation. The Abuse of Veterans is the catalyst here. The result of my cancelling Empathy will have the very real consequence of demonstrating to the Veterans Affairs Directors and the Veterans Benefits Administrators that my cancellation will descend upon them in their Living Rooms, their Churches, and their Children’s Schools. The resulting sea change of the Treatment of Veterans will result in the Criminal Prosecution of the VA Administrators’ Corruption.
Daddy will go to jail.
Mommy will do time.
I have already proven how callous I am by destroying a Family. I did it intentionally, with malice. If I were in Law Enforcement, it would be labeled Entrapment. But really, it’s not my fault the Man sent to investigate the Rumors was not smart enough to see a Trap right in front of him. Because he came in believing the Gossip & Rumors that I was a Drug Addict, a Liar, a “violent little girl”, and most importantly, he believed the Lies that I was never a Crew Chief.
So as of today, April 4, 2016, I hereby cancel my Empathy. In the coming months I will be publishing here on the Blog the Story of my PTSD Diagnosis and my Lifetime label of Drug Addict. The men involved will surprise you, and in some cases cause extreme embarrassment. It really will be fun to watch the Spin unfold, the Brotherhood close Ranks and the secrets of nearly 30 years spill forth in the Public Domain.
The Jamaica Inn 